I think musically this will work, though it seems to similar to some other ones of yours, I'm trying to think. I'm not going to go on and on about how talented you are, because that's been said and we always love your pieces for your imagination and your ability to execute a beautiful song. Here I like the way you play with melody and the short and long phrases. As far as the lyrics go, I'm a third thru reading Tunesmith and his points concerning lyrics and rhyme are giving me a different take on what to strive for. I think by the time you do the long thing about 'the circle's calling' we should be 'getting' your point of the circles completely with no doubt about what this means. Sometimes I think the circles people are drawing are trying to attrack attention (reminds me of crop circles in a way) and then sometimes I think the metaphor refers to the walls we build up around ourselves. I love all the wide range of imagery you create here, I'm just looking for a bit more focus. What I'm trying to do in my current lyrics, which are not going well, is to decide on what is the actual point I'm trying to make and then carefully verse by verse, take the initial line and make a complete point so when the chorus come in, what my strongest idea germ is presented clearly and strong and hopefully make the listener nod and think, so that's where he was taking me all along, I get it. Just a suggestion (sorry for rambling) On the lines where you have a bunch of quick rhymes and then the circle's calling, I would at least try something different there, because your most important point needs to be there and I think all the rhymes are making you shoe-horn them in there at the expense of clarity, and also, that many rhymes together actually work against each other, removing the excitement of well-placed rhymes. I know I'm being picky, but these are the same thoughts I'm stuck with in my own lyrics. And of course these are simply personal taste things and opinions. Good singing by the way. How you just belt these out, is nothing short of amazing.
Most of the (very few), issues I have with this one, I'm certain you're already aware of, like EQ, and balance, so I'll talk about the fact that I like most everything about this.
I would make the Lennon sounding guitar a bit less obvious, and double track the high notes on the vocals.
As always, I'm very impressed with the talent you display.
Nice work, my friend.
Regards,
Well George you hit on one of this issues I had with the lyrics.
There were two angles to the lyrics when I approached them. One was the idea of crop circles...getting attention of spacemen. And then there are all the "join my circle" phone plans. Thus the comments at the end...Circles All Around Me.
And the concept is that so many people spend so much time in that form of communication, they forget there is another world around them (think that moment in the film Wall-E where the woman gets off of her video phone and realizes "we have a pool?").
So the first part of the chorus acknowledges that there are "other" circles we should be aware of, while the second part is basically saying "join my circle of friends on my cell phone plan".
As you see I got pulled a lot of ways and sadly had 4-5 minutes to get the whole thought out there. I'll if I can get a second version to be a bit more focused.
Stephen, thanks for the listens and I agree on the mixing and high note doubles. You are always one to know where guitar goes! I will tuck that back a bit. That is now part of the equation. So you like my guitar playing? I have a Variax so I can get a lot of different guitar sounds with it. I am not one for much soloing on it, but I can get the rhythm flavors I want.
Edit: As to the similarity to some of my other material...yea. I am not straying to far from a general formula to finish up this CD (I have one song left). That means that my November song will be quite a departure (much like several of the songs you have heard that had guest vocalists the last few months) although I am going for a harder edge (yea I have a few things in development).
Jon: I'm glad you understand the point I was making on focus. This is my great challenge on every song. Especially when the hook is an abstract metaphor it forces us to spend the song explaining the metaphor and keep it poetic and interesting and fun. When the hook is an obvious statement, as in, he left me, or i'm so sad, or doesn't life suck, or i'm such a happy guy, with these sorts of theme-hooks, the burden then becomes how to avoid the cliches and put surprises in there and not beat it over the head. My current song is just a mess lyrically, I have done 2 complete sets that I do not like. And my subject matter is actually completely different each time, that's even harder as I have to reinvent the wheel each time. I do think that to pick one of your circle ideas and run with it would be the strongest way to finalize this. According to what I'm reading, it would seem that trying to write as many verses as possible on both the crop circles as well as the phone circles would at least show you where you're going to be strongest or possibly each verse is a different circle that effects us, as long as each verse clearly accomplishes the task. The only problem I see there then is what is the overall thread that pulls them together, and that is why we're left for now with the playfullness of bring a beer, come near, etc. Reading thru your words now understanding better where you're going it is sounding more sophisticated, it could be that there are so many unusual similes described in such uncommon ways that it seems that they don't all fit together. Well, you're a great lyricist and you'll pull this together. I really like the inspiration here and I'm beginning to get it.
So many comments ! First, I've played it many many times! Even though you used this basic format before - there is something about this tune that really relates to me - I was stunned when I first heard it - the lyrics are Freakin awesome! You guys are over analyzing the lyrics. I love the contrast the fast rhymes provide to the regular meter - that is so cool! It makes you sing along - well it did me anyways
On to the format: I love cool intro's - and this one was really cool - nice EFX. Your hook technique for linking the verses and chorus up is icing. The bass line is perfect - nice and bouncing, then drills after the slow part - Circles all around me - I like the way it arrived on the scene, and then the wonderful build up. Ohh yea - that guitar and drilling bass line (hits the octave, a few fills, not over played) !! All these elements came together so well in this tune.
I am sure you can always refine things - but I love it as is. This tune is addictive - I've lost count how many times I've played it.
I think this is your best tune yet - even better than the ras-blue berry bubblegum tune which I really liked!
I've been playing this for a few days now, it's addictive
So many parts, one leading to another, moving the journey along, love some of the harmonies and effects.
I think this might the most ambitious one yet in this style.
It's good in this form, it'll be something else when you finish it.
Thanks a ton guys for listening. I have included some of the suggestions and went ahead and fixed the vocals and uploaded it to SoundClick. My previous link will no longer be valid.
If you are so inclined, give it another listen. I am still working on the possibility of edited lyrics. But for now I have too much on my plate to work up a rewrite. At this point it will be included on my CD.
Jon
P.S. Edit- The only non synth instrument is guitar and vocals. I am about to purchase an electric kit to play with my VSTi, and it should come off a little more natural sounding than my finger drumming.
Wow, does this sound great!! I really love the production here on all counts. Nice job on the background vocals also, just beautiful. If you do make any lyrical changes make sure you keep this wonderful playfullness, it give this already great piece a wonderful dimension. All the little additions esp in the intro and ending are really dramatic.
What a difference Jon!
Much smoother, especially the vocal parts, they now lead through the mix.
I liked it before, but now you've really raised the quality.
Holy ---- Batman! Addictive to be sure! This blows me away! You`ve hit all the "biggies" in terms of influence as mentioned in your soundclick profile...Beatles, Beachboys, etc. hits me where I live indeed. Love the journey, sitting back with my eyes closed "jellin" on this and that turn around the 3:00 mark. This is like a "Big Poppie" grandslamer....OUT OF THE PARK! Bravo!
Cheers!
Ron.
Good Lord, you make this seem so easy! Excellent lyrics....excellent production....excellent songwriting.....excellent direction...It is totally captivating... the whole journey thru this song is excellent. Sorry I have no constructive comments to add. I am bewildered by the ease by which you create this songs.
